the joys of potty training

oh the wonderful joys of teaching your child how to not soil themselves. its a hypocritical task really. on one hand you spend so much time, effort, excited/high pitched "yay! good boy you poopied in the big boy toilet", etc. and on the other hand.. well i'll mention that in a second. lets face it. potty training is a CHORE!!! having a boy to potty train is a blessing and a curse as well. example: they can pee standing up... which for the germaphobe such as myself means that when you go into a public restroom they dont have to touch anything (& if you have me as a mama- you just lift your kid up- aim- and shoot. real easy). However, what is a curse about a boy is the fact that it seems to take a lot longer for them to figure out that its really not that cool to piss your pants at night. Wake up and use the loo already!! it does not matter if the kid doesn't drink water all day, goes tinkle right before bed- he will always wake up with a wet pull up. or worse, soak right through. ugh- nothing starts my day off worse then waking up and having to change some sheets.
so here's the other hand... spending the time to get your kid to the bathroom at those oh so inconvenient times (when having them do it in their pull up would have been so much easier but also would be ruining all of your hard work). here is an example of this: we drive A LOT. being in PA and daddy being in Seattle means mama's butt is getting flatter from all of the sitting she does (me being mama of course). so what does one do when there is no bathroom for an 1 hour drive and mason "has to go potty?" well this answer is simple. pull the car over on the side of the road and let the boy stand, point, and water the grass of course. and then explain to him that this is a "special" circumstance and that he needs to use the toilet except for "special" circumstances such as this. the not so simple answer is when your kid says "mama, i have to go poopy". Shit. (pun intended). what to do, what to do. well you find the only deserted looking street you can off the side of the road and then you learn how to let your son poop like they did in the ol days. outside. now there's a system to it i've learned (since this has now happened twice, dont worry-with each time it gets easier). you pull over and park your car at an angle so that when you open the door, the driver coming from your direction, and the opposite cant see what embarassment is taking place. then, remove the pants (trust me on this one) thing spray (meaning poopy is usally accompanied by a little potty). then you face your child and hold their hands, while directing them to trust you and tell them to "sit like you're sitting in a chair". then proceed with "ok honey, go poopy". and it might take a few attempts for the whole "chair" concept. then back yourself away cause things spray.... next you best be carrying some wet wipes or napkins or something. if you are a wise mama you will. then you leave that shit. literally. then you high tail it outta there before any bears come (i've heard they have a "scent" for that kind of stuff). and finally you have a long talk with you child that goes something like this:
mommy: "mason, now you know that we don't go poopy outside right? only if its an emergency and there are NO toilets around right?"
mason: "right mommy, only if its emergency"
mommy: "thats right, so if you are at school or something you need to use the toilet, you don'g go poopy or potty outside, right?"
mason: "right mommy only poopy or potty outside if its a special day out"
mommy: "uhhhh, yeah not really if its a special day mason just if you really have to go poopy and there is no toilet and mommy says you can go outside ok?"
mason: "right mommy"

whats bad is when this happens the second time and your kid finishes up and he looks at you and recites everything you told him the first time. or actually it makes you kind of proud.

so there you have it. if you are a mom of a potty training toddler... just my take on how to properly take your kid "poopy" on the side of the road. you can thank me later.